Winter

Back from another hiatus (genius doesn't happen overnight lol), I figured I'd discuss the season many dread: Winter.

As much as I love the Winter, there are a few things I hate about it. Yeah, hot chocolate with the marshmallows is the shit (except you never get to eat the marshmallows cuz they melt in the microwave; stupid marshmallows), or being bundled watchin' tv bummin' it is cool, but a few things remind you why the season is hated so much. Here are a few things that we hate during Winter.

1. Peeing

The whole peeing experience is enough to say guys have it pretty bad. How, you might ask? Ever wondered how it feels to hold your peepee to pee after coming from the blistering cold. Let's just say that our little guy disappears like a frightenend turtle. We are basically left with a clit and two balls...smh. Definitely not a fun experience.

2. Hot Chocolate w/ Marshmallows

Damn you SwissMiss, why couldn't you use better marshmallows. In my 24.95 yrs of existence (yes, .95 since my bday is next week lol), I have yet to be able to taste the mix of hot chocolate and marshmallows. Fuck you. (Sorry, had to rant again about the marshmallow situation)

3. The Train Seat

Fuck you guy with the huge ass coat, looking like the Stay Puff Marshmallow (damn I'm really thinkin' about marshmallows huh?) from Ghostbusters. I understand you wanna be warm and what not, but damn. Fuckin' coat looks like you have to inflate it with Helium before you leave the house. Jesus Christ! Now I gotta sit next to you, constricted in my mobility. I wish I carried a safety pin or a needle so I can pop your stupid North Faith coat (yes, North Faith...they exist...it's the Canal St. version of the North Face)

4. Ipod vs Gloves

Ever tried to lower/raise the volume on your Ipod with the dollar gloves? Impossible. The lack of friction from these gloves, makes it necessary to take off one of the gloves in the goddamn cold in order to change the volume. God forbid the next song is louder/lower than the previous one. You are back to square one my friend. Fuck you dollar gloves, you're great yet so useless.

5. Metrocard

Similar to number 4, ever tried to pull out your Metrocard with same dollar gloves. Impossible due to the same reasons in number 4 lol.

The Bathroom

Disclaimer: Some of the material may not be suitable for the squeamish

It's a place we frequent often throughout our day, whether it's for number 1, number 2 or 1.5.* *when you have to pee, but think you may have to doodoo as well, so you sit and check emails, and realize that doodoo ain't really come out, yet you still choose to wipe. You visit to check your wardrobe, your teeth, rinse with mouthwash, pick a booger, or fart. It's our sanctuary away from home (though you unfortunately have to share it with others, and at times, they bomb the shit out of it, leaving you clueless as to what that person ate...like WTF!!)

Through my years in bathroom visits, I've analyzed many things, such as the "Fart rule", the infamous "courtesy flush", and many other experiences one may encounter.

Why is it that some people feel awkward with farting in a bathroom? Really? It's the mothafuckin' bathroom people. That's what it's there for. You cook in the kitchen, you fart in the bathroom...plain and simple lol. Eliminate farts in the bathroom, expect a fart in the hallway...you wouldn't like them apples would you? I thought so. So please, put aside your fears of what others think, and just let the shit come out (no pun intended). I just don't get what would make people say that farting in the bathroom is "messed up". So you're telling me I can shit my brains out for 15 long, tortorous minutes, yet I can't fart while I'm peeing? You buggin' lol

Speakin' of poops, the courtesy flush has become obsolete in today's world, mainly due to the disposable seat cover. Try and courtesy flush with it under your ass, you will be touchin' porcelain. So please, don't be mad at me for not courtesy flushin'. I gotta deal with the smell myself, so relaxxxx.

But you know what I won't relax about, people that don't wash their hands after peeing (or even dookie-ing). Ya just nasty. Really? So you have immaculate penis, or wear 99.9% germ killing anti-bacterial lotion on your shit? I don't think so fam. So do us a favor and wash your hands, that shit is just nasty.

Ever had the phantom shit? That's the number 2 where you sit there...waiting....waiting...and nothing. Yet you feel the need to swipe anyway, and guess what? You actually have to cleannnn. Yup folks, you've witnessed the phantom poop. There's something on the paper, but nothin in the bowl. It's a mystery as to where it goes.

How about the Napolean Complex poop? That's the one where you're OD strainin', envisioning a huge mojon (pronounced mo-john lol) comin' out and when you look...shit look like Goldfish pellets lol

The infamous (and most preferred) Clean Sweep doodoo. That's the one where you swipe and there's nothing...saving the environment one poop at a time lol...now that's what you call "goin' green" lol

Any more experiences are welcome...

MTA - The "Fuck You" Experience

After a long hiatus, the blog is backkk

This morning, my hate for transit was reignited. It's not the train itself that I hate, but more those that I have to share the trip with. After the stupid "Insufficient Fare" message runs across the stupid little screen at the turnstile, and already missing my train because of it, I have to stand in the slowest line in the world (regardless of how many people are on it). You would think buying a Metrocard would not take as long as it does, yet people seem to never know how to use the fuckin' machines. C'mon son, you press the same parts of the damn touch screen every week, if not every month, yet you still get amnesia when its time to buy your metrocard. Shit is already become muscle memory to me, drink some fuck ginseng or something to help that wack ass memory. Then you got the fuckin' machine sayin' "No Bills," so you have that one person diggin' through change like a homeless dude diggin' through garbage. Another train passes by. Fuck you Metrocard Machine...fuck you.

It's now my turn, but the fuckin' credit card shit never works the first time. It's like you have to lube it up in order for it to accept the damn card. So I go to the stupid booth person (who's another fuckin' waste) and ask for a single ride. Asshole, gives me 4 dollars in quarters. Really? $4? A single ride is $2.25, yet she proceeds to give me an extra dollar in quarters like I'm doin' laundry or some shit. As I go back to purchase the card, the girl in front of me buys her card with (yes, you guessed it) a credit card. So after all that, I get my metrocard with my credit card, and now I'm walkin' around with 4 bucks in quarters...Fuck you booth lady.

This was just today. The MTA offers a "fuck you" experience every other day it seems. You have the lady with the Predator vision that can find an empty seat from a mile away and runs over every man, woman and child to get it. Then you have the "hefty" person that really thinks they can fit in that small cramped seat. Really? Your calf won't fit let alone your whole frame. Then you have the dick with the huge ass bookbag. I personally hate carrying around my gym bag, and try my best to keep it out of everyone's way. But then you have the Ninja Turtle in the face ass, who walks around with no regard for humanity. Fuck you.

Gettin' up for people also becomes a hassle. I, personally get up for elderly woman and pregnant ladies, but small children? In a packed train? Naaaaaa. First off little kid, you have the freshest legs out of all of us, so you can stand for a bit. Secondly, you can't blame me for thinking about the rest of the train. As an Economics major, you're taught about efficiency and the welfare of others. Do you think it makes sense for me (6ft tall) to give up my seat for a kid thats about 3ft tall? All I'm doin' is creating less space for everyone else by gettin' up, so please don't look at me wrong if I don't get up.

Honorable mentions:

Fuck you little kid that wants to look out the window and puts his/her foot all over you, not realizing they mighta stepped on shit and is fuckin' up your slacks.

Fuck you loud ass high school kids talkin' about "I can bag more bitches than you" or "I'm flyer than you"...little nigga won't even know what to do with a girl if they had a tutorial on youtube...

Fuck you dude/dudette that feels the need to try and fit in an already packed train when the conductor is sayin' "there's a train directly behind this one"...do you really think he/she is lyin'? Really? Cuz guess what? There really is a train behind it. The time you're wasting making a sorry attempt in gettin' into the train is equivalent to the time you'll be waiting for the next train. Is your job really that important that you have to hold up everyone else's commute? The only job I would imagine is important enough to be on time for is a surgeon/doctor. And guess what? If a doctor/surgeon had to be at the hospital ASAP, they'd take a cab dick....so again, fuck you...

RIP Hermano Luis Ortiz

"This man loves frat so much that he has his Gold shirt w/ letters hanging in his room [hospital room] and his mom said last night that he will be buried w/ his shirt on." - Felix Q.

Today, I write this post with a heavy heart. My brotherhood, La Unidad Latina, Lambda Upsilon Lambda Fraternity, Incorporated, has lost one of its own. Hermano Luis Ortiz (Spring 1995 - Pi Chapter) passed away this morning. Though I never knew the man personally, I was saddened by this news. He not only was a member of my organization, he was a brother - my brother. He was family. We are a brotherhood that shares strong bonds amongst us, even if we only interacted once in our lives. This is evident by the amount of brothers saddened and shocked by the news of our fallen knight. It is not a time to mourn though, and instead we will celebrate the life of our brother.

Luis, you lived with the motto of our brotherhood - Para Siempre -in your heart everyday of your life. For that reason, your memory will live on, Para Siempre.

Rest in Peace Hermano Luis...La Unidad Para Siempre....

Gay Marriage Voted Down

“While the Catholic Church rejects unjust discrimination against homosexual men and women, there is no question that marriage by its nature is the union of one man and one woman,” Richard E. Barnes, the executive director of the New York State Catholic Conference

Two words: Fuck you, Richard E. Barnes. Seriously, who truly dictates and defines "marriage"? Obviously the biggest bigots and hypocrites of all-time, the church, according to Mr. Barnes. Hey Richard, guess what? Marriage was never "natural." Did our perception of society and the church's views always exist? No. So why are we still using their views as reality. Marriage derived from habit. A man and a woman whom had a child basically created a union between them in order to rear their child. This is where our notion of "family" derives from. Marriage then, is not what we consider now. Religion has skewed the way we view marriage, and has made it about what "God" would see it as. Using the notion of Adam and Eve, and God creating a bond between the opposite sex, the church manipulates our perception of our relationships. Obviously, the only way to have a child is through intercourse between a man and a women (caveat: with artificial insemination, it is not that way, but genetically speaking, the egg of a women NEEDS to be fertilized by the sperm of a man), but that has nothing to do with family. Two women/men can share a bond amongst them that is also present between those of the opposite sex. So why the debate? I'll tell you why; because people are still stuck on views of times where people were killed for not believing in the Catholic Church (i.e. The Spanish Inquisition). Times change, society changes. We as a people have to adapt, not remain constant. Marriage, in my opinion, is only beneficial in an economic standpoint. The filing of taxes, dependents, joint income, and other factors make it beneficial to be married. A family that lives together under common law, yet never married under the church, is no different than those who did. The same goes for same-sex couples. So why the debate?

This post was created out of disbelief, so excuse any grammatical errors, or any lack of empirical data. All I know is that the decision that was made is archaic and lacks any rationale. Let's hope people begin to adapt and learn that society is all a creation by man. Unfortunately, its by the wrong ones.

Leather Fitteds...

WHY? What is the need of a leather fitted? Really? Ok fine, its the Fall or Winter, so the leather on your fitted can accompany your Vasques or Timbs, but why? lol And the worse part about this is I've seen dudes wear them in the summer or at the gym. Really? Seriously? For God's sake fam, no wonder your hairline is behind your ears, lookin' like a hair yarmulke (yes a yamaka, but this is the correct spelling lol), you burned half your head off wearing that shit in 95 degree weather. SMH. There's a few things that we can agree always look good in leather. A leather jacket, gloves, boots, shoes, baseball gloves, etc, but you don't see us wearing leather boxers, or socks do we? Leather headbands maybe? Nooooo...so stop wearing them...

Another thing about hats, please take off the stickers. Fine, leave the authenticity sticker, but do I really have to know the size of your fitted? You don't see me walking wit a sticker sayin size 10 on my...........feet do you? lol....(footnote: this trend began because people wanted to show that their fitteds were new, so if they still had the sticker, it means they don't wear it often). Who the fuck gives a shit? You know what I do when my shit gets fucked up? I buy a new one...now thats ballin' you fake Jim Jones in the face ass n-word plural lol...Good day.

Skinny Jeans

As much as skinny jeans are a part of today's fashion culture (I wear them, and for some reason, every dude in Queens wears 'em lol), they are not for everyone. Skinny jeans are made for (guess who?) SKINNY PEOPLE. Yes, that may come as a surprise, since unlike parking on a driveway, and driving on a parkway (damned English language), skinny jeans imply just that - skinny. I am not a fat-ist, so please don't misconstrue my statements. I, myself, though skinny, have not seen my abs ever lol. But let's not lose focus. Please, if you are a bit overweight, or aren't "skinny" put the skinny jeans away. I'm tired of seeing big dudes (pause) wearing jeans that aren't made for them. Remember Chris Farley and his "Fat guy in a little coat" routine in Tommy Boy? Well I'm tired of seeing "Fat guy in little pants." I hate to see the male version of the FUPA (fat upper pussy area), so do us all a favor and wear relaxed fit or something. It's not like bigger jeans will make your hips seem wider than your shoulders, therefore losing that V-tapered, broad shoulder look, because to be honest, your already kinda wide...no offense lol.

But wait, the skinny dudes aren't off the hook either. Can we please stop saggin' our pants to the point where I can see your boxers, EVEN WITH A WIFEBEATER (we all know them shits are long as fuck). Seriously, do I really need to see that you are indeed wearing your Tuesday boxers on mothafuckin' Tuesday? Noooo. And the thing thats funny is that some females find this shit sexy. We, the professional folks, are here sittin' on the train reading our BusinessWeek with slacks and a button-down, yet the guy in the purple skinny jeans gets the attention? WTF? I guess I never got the memo lol

So folks, here we have today's fashion tip:

Skinny jeans are for skinny guys (you don't see short people rockin' Big and Tall do you?)

Showing boxers is not a good look....

The Pressures of Being a Man

Ladies, next time you and your male counterpart engage in the act of fornication (lol love that word for some odd reason), think twice before judging. Here are some reasons:

First off, men have the pressure of initiating contact (because honestly, women seldom approach men...actually a survey conducted by the Institute of Female and Male Behavior showed that women approach men 12% of the time ---btw, this is absolutely a made-up figure, and institution lol, but statistics make the claim so much more believable). We have to put aside our fear of rejection, all for a chance to have a second encounter with you.

If we are successful in being granted your name and number, we have to make sure we don't seem desperate. We have to know when to call, text or BBM (tirame por el Blackberry...had to lol). Once we do that, we can't seem like lame ass dudes, and we have to know what to say. Then, if given the chance to meet up and chill, we have to "pick the place or what we're gonna do cuz you're the guy". WTF? I thought the women's right movement occurred a long time ago? lol. If we choose something you don't want to do, we blow our chances. So why don't you pick what you wanna do, cuz guess what ladies - we're gonna go regardless lol.

We have the pressure of being a good kisser. Once we kiss, we have the pressure of seducing you (cuz god forbid the girl can be the aggressor). Once the art of seduction (good book from what I hear lol) has reached it's peak and it's time to get busy like Sean Paul, the pressures we face are compounded.

First, we become self conscious about our lack of a six-pack (yet the female fails to realize she doesn't have a great midsection herself...didn't know you had NO mirrors in your crib). Then, we have to get it up (which sometimes it's hard to do - no pun intended - especially after a few shots of Henny). Once we get it up, it has to pass the measurement test. Like wtf, be happy I got it up lol now you wanna examine it? But all that doesn't matter, because we have to perform with what we have. You can have a third leg, but if you perform worse than Nick Cannon in his movies (yes he's back lol), then you might as well have a baby penis lol.

Wait, I'm not done. If we proceed to perform greatly, we have to make sure we do not finish prematurely. If we do, we're fucked (no pun inteded once again).

And guess what the girl was doing the whole time? Straight chillin lol. It's not like the girl has to worry about Wetness Disfunction. WE HAVE TO DO THAT FOR THEM TOOOOOO!!! lol

So ladies, please give us a damn break sometimes lol...

Please comment, I'd like to open this topic up for discussion lol...unless I'm right...

I Truly Despise...

Nick Cannon...

Really, I do. No offense Nick, but it's the truth. Here are a few things I hate about Mr. Cannon (I wish I had a cannon of my own to blast this dude -mega pause - lol).

You have no talent, yet you appear in movies and have your own show. Oh, how I envy you!
You look like a small rodent, yet you're married to Mariah (granted it's not the 90's Mariah, but nonetheless, it's Mariah) and was in a relationship with my 10 cent wifey, Christina Milian (I truly envy you for that one). BTW, fuck your tattoo of her name. C'mon son, who the fuck does that anymore? lol

It's just something about you. I can't seem to grasp it, but I do know that everytime I see you on TV, I wanna punch the shit out of you. I don't know why, but that feeling exists. I can rant for days as to why I don't like you, but you currently sit atop my "Most Hated" list. Drumline? Yea it was cool, but not cuz you were in it. I coulda watched Drumline with Fran Drescher as the damn lead actress. No one cares about you Nick, and if you think they do, you're Wildin' Out (clever huh? lol).

Sorry people, but I had to vent a bit. Now back to our regularly schedule program...